


Lost Time

by MusicLover6661



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 10:38:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14714471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicLover6661/pseuds/MusicLover6661
Summary: You're not in love with her, you're just a friend to her. She doesn't want anything to do with you, you need to let go of her before it starts to hurt. She chose him for a reason, let go of her Barnes. Let them be happy together, it'll hurt less that way.





	Lost Time

_You're not in love with her, you're just a friend to her. She doesn't want anything to do with you, you need to let go of her before it starts to hurt. She chose him for a reason, let go of her Barnes. Let them be happy together, it'll hurt less that way._  
  
“Buck, you alright?” Steve's hand was waving in front of my face, bringing me back to reality.  
“Hmm? Yeah I'm fine” I waved him off, afraid I had been mumbling to myself. Steve had caught me mumbling in Russian before, thankfully it was always too soft for him to understand.

“You've been staring at that same spot for almost twenty minutes, are you sure you're alright?” Steve's voice was laced with concern, that's all he ever did was worry about me.

“I'm just a little tired, haven't slept much” Yeah, because I was always dreaming about _her._  
“Just let me know if you wanna talk” Steve sent a quick nod my way before heading down to the gym.

 

Steve was ever the oblivious idiot, though to be fair he was used to me being quiet and settling by myself in places. No one else ever looked my way, giving me the space I had needed. After a few months it became daunting, I was always alone. There was never anyone to talk to except for Steve, and while I loved the guy, it got hard after a while. He would leave for missions when I'd have my worst days, I'd be struggling with everything and by the time he got back I was too afraid to say anything.

 

And then _she_ came along and turned everything upside down. She didn't scream danger, hell she practically glowed like a goddamn angel. I wanted to talk to her, simply introduce myself. But I didn't, not when he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her temple. I didn't want to overstep my boundaries. There were some territories you just never crossed, and this was one of them. So I started to seclude myself from everyone, and it worked for a while. I was still struggling with the horrors of my past, but I was doing better.

 

Except she started to come around more, her very presence was the only thing that even brought me out of my room on some days. Until they would leave together, and I'd remember how utterly alone I was. Steve didn't know about the nights I cursed my body for not letting me get drunk anymore, the man would probably tie me down so I couldn't hurt myself. As if I wasn't already messed up enough. I was turning into a lovesick puppy, and it was showing whenever she was around. Natasha was the only person who noticed, she took pity on me. She saw the glances I shot towards them, towards _her_ in particular. I wanted something like that for myself, someone like the woman in his arms.

 

“Barnes, you okay man?” Sam was standing by the windows, his expression was full of worry.

“Just daydreaming is all” I tried to smile, it felt too forced on my face.

“You were muttering in Russian again, your tone didn't sound too friendly” Sam raised a brow, shit.

“Sam, you and I both know how bad my head can get at times” I shrugged and pushed myself up from the couch, grabbing my book off the table as I did.

“Yeah I know, I've been on the receiving end of your fists when you've done that before” I couldn't help but wince, Sam had gotten just a little too close when I was agitated one day. The bruise was deep and wide, it didn't fade for almost a month.

“I'm still sorry about that, if I had heard you walk in I would've been a little better” That was a lie, I would've had better time to prepare.

 

Sam only nodded, his arms crossed over his chest. I wanted to tell him that things were getting better, that I was working on all of my issues. Until Tony walked in with a bright smile on his face, it only meant one of two things. Either he was throwing _another_ party, or we were getting a new visitor today.

 

“Good news, we have a new recruit coming in today, FRIDAY, can you call Rogers down here for me?” Tony slipped his hands into his pockets, waiting for everyone else to join us in the common room.

 

It was quiet for a few minutes until Steve entered the room, his shirt was coated in a light sheen of sweat, she was walking behind him. Fucking hell.  
  
“What's going on?” Steve set down his water bottle, turning to face Tony.

“We're getting a new recruit today, and I want you all to be on your best behavior” I bit my tongue, he was treating us as if we were children.  
“Tony, are you sure that's a good idea? The last time we had a new recruit the kid almost got himself killed, twice” Steve scolded, and it was true. Damn kid almost had a lot of people killed because of him.

“This one isn't a teenager, she's just... She's an assassin okay? She said she found us when SHIELD collapsed and wanted to get out of the business, so I offered to let her come here for a few days. I'm not going to let her stay here permanently yet” I wanted to smack him, how could he be so goddamn reckless?

“So we're getting a new recruit, is there a catch?” Steve crossed his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow as he did.

“Yes, she's going to have to share a room for now until I can get something set up for her here. And seeing as you already have more than yourself in your room I was thinking someone else could house her” Tony's eyes flicked over to me, I could feel my stomach drop.

“Tony, you're asking a lot of him right now” Steve's expression was full of worry.

 

Housing an ex assassin with another ex assassin? It sounded like suicide in my opinion, and there was no way we'd get along. Hell I barely got along with Steve at times, and we had been friends for almost eighty years! Tony held his hands up to stop Steve before he started on a rant.

 

“I know it sounds crazy, but he's the only person who has the space, and the nondamgable things in his room right now” I scoffed, that's because he made sure I wouldn't be able to tear my room apart.

“Tony, please” Steve was ready to beg him, to tell him it sounded too insane. The man wasn't going to budge.

“I'm not making her sleep in a room the size of a broom closet Rogers, so she bunks with him until accommodations are made” Tony's words were final, there was no persuading the man now.

 

Steve looked over at me as if to say 'You can convince him, just say something!' But what would I even say? 'Oh, I don't wanna murder the girl in my sleep in case I sleep walk'. No, that wasn't going to do much good.

 

“I'll go get my room ready” I left the common room without another word, passing by Steve and Tony.

 

It wasn't hard to make space in the room. There was more than enough storage for her things, and I'm sure that Tony was going to put a bed in there for her so she could sleep soundly. Well, as well as she can sleep with someone who suffered from extreme night terrors.

 

“Sargent Barnes, Captain Rogers is asking for you downstairs” FRIDAY'S voice came through the room, all I wanted to do was scream at him.

“Tell him I'd rather not be disturbed” My throat tightened, Steve would come up to my room to see why I was acting the way I was.

“He said it's urgent Sargent” I groaned and headed downstairs to where everyone was standing, the recruit must have arrived.

 

Tony was talking lowly, keeping a good distance between himself and the girl. Steve's eyes were wide with shock, something I hadn't seen out of him in a while. I frowned and stepped forward, breaking the circle of people to see just who he was speaking to. My breath caught in my throat, it couldn't be, this was another nightmare. She wasn't standing in front of me right now, wake up Barnes! This is all just a sick joke that Tony's playing. She isn't the same woman from the 40's. She wasn't.

 

***

 

“Give him some space guys!” Steve's voice was booming throughout the room, I could feel something cold pressing against my chest.

“You took quite a hard hit there James, how are you feeling?” Dr. Cho's voice was soft compared to everything else around me.

“A little lightheaded if I'm honest” I tried to keep my voice even, but I knew she was there, watching me with a worried expression, it was the one she had given me constantly.

 

Steve propped me up slowly, holding a hand against my back as Dr. Cho checked my pupils for dilation, she seemed happy that everything seemed to be just fine. But I couldn't get the nagging feeling off the back of my head. Did Tony take her away? Or was everyone still standing around thinking I was a complete lunatic?

 

“Damn, never thought I'd see the day Barnes actually _fainted_ ” Tony snickered, his hand resting atop of her shoulder.

“This is serious Tony, it takes a lot for us to pass out from something like this” Steve's expression suddenly changed to one of anger as he glared at the other man.

“It doesn't change the fact that the man fucking fainted, what gives anyway?” Tony raised a brow at me, I wanted to tell him why. But it sounded so insane in my head that if I actually said something, well I'd be thrown in the nut house.

“It's complicated” I mumbled, pushing myself up and off the floor slowly.

  
Tony was ready to argue with Steve, to get the answers he so desperately wanted to hear. I wasn't going to tell him though, there was too much there to tell. She didn't know who I was, it didn't matter anyway.

  
“Well, why don't you show our new guest to her room? Well, your room” Tony sighed softly, walking towards the elevator.  
“I tried to make some extra room so it didn't feel too crowded” My face heated up when she smiled softly, her eyes were so warm and inviting.  
“Thank you, I know this is all really last minute, I wasn't even sure if I was going to make it today or not” She giggled softly, the sound was music to my ears.  
“We're glad you could” The smile that pulled up my lips felt as if it was going to crack my face.

  
Tony rolled his eyes and stepped off the elevator when it finally reached my floor, he didn't bother waiting for either of us to follow him as he headed down to the room. I could hear Steve in my head, warning me not to get too attached. She wasn't the same person I remembered, she just happened to look exactly like her. Maybe she was a relative, things like that happened before, I wouldn't be surprised if she was a granddaughter or something.

  
“Here she is, your room, and roommate” Tony gestured with his hand towards the door, and then over at me.  
“I'm sure it's big enough, I don't have too much stuff anyway” I pushed the door open, letting her step inside before myself.  
“Your things will be here soon, and the bed will be all set up before dinnertime, so if you'd like to settle in and get comfortable go ahead” Tony left with a quick goodbye, shutting the door behind him as he did.

  
The room fell silent as she walked around, taking in the contrast of colors and things. To be fair the room was very bland, I wasn't sure how to even make it my own. She walked over to a photo frame, it was one of Steve and I during the war, before the whole mess with HYDRA happened. It was one of the last positive memories I had, before they were all taken away.

  
“You look really happy here, was this taken before you were captured?” She held up the frame, her eyes glancing between the photo and myself.  
“Yeah, Steve had sort of surprised us and I wanted someone to keep a memory of it. Didn't realize how important it was going to be later” I chuckled and rubbed the back of my neck nervously.

“It's always good to keep memories around you” She looked over to where my bed was, a small frown on her face.

“Was this how your room looked when you got here?” She walked over and sat down on the edge.

 

I didn't want to tell her the truth, I wanted to lie and say that it was even more bland than it was now. But it wasn't the truth, I hadn't decorated whatsoever, I didn't want this to feel like a home. It wasn't my home, it was just a place I got to sleep every night is all. It was the place Steve took me when I had nowhere else to go. When I was struggling with myself, struggling with the person I had been forced to become.

 

“It was a little more bare, but I brought in a few things of my own” I plopped down into the computer chair with a soft sigh.

“The photo, the leather jacket hanging from your closet, and the bag that's currently hidden under your bed” My jaw dropped open, how the hell would she know something like that? I've lived in this room for almost two years!

“You're very particular about how you have things, I can see that you're dying to fix the photo frame right now” She smiled softly and placed her hands in her lap.

“It's been hard adjusting to all of this, I'm a killer for god's sake!” I threw my hands up, throwing myself up and out of the chair.

 

This was becoming too much, I needed to get out of this room before I did something I would regret. She was going to think I was a freak, an abomination. And that was all without seeing my arm. I was out of the door and down the hallway before she had the chance to get off the bed, her voice echoing down the hall. Steve was talking with Sam about what they were going to do on their next day off. I could barely focus, the cold air bit into my skin the moment I was outside. The once busy streets were empty, not a single soul in sight.

 

“Buck!” Steve had run out of the compound, his hand gripping onto my shoulder.

“Let go!” I shoved his hand off, facing him. His eyes were full of worry.  
“What's going on? Talk to me” Steve had taken a few steps back, his hands held up in surrender.

“It's her Steve, I know it is” My hands were shaking, my mind only focusing on the woman in my room.

“Y/N? Buck it's been almost seventy years” Steve frowned, his hands sliding into the pockets of his jeans.

“I'm not crazy Steve, it has to be her” Even I felt as if I was insane, but there was no way it wasn't her. She knew my antics too well for an assassin.

“Even if it was, how do we know she isn't working for the enemy?” Steve's expression was hard, it was hard to have trust nowadays.

“She wouldn't do that to us Steve, I was going to marry her” Realization washed over me, shit.

 

Steve's eyes widened before they narrowed slightly, I hadn't ever told anyone that. The ring still sat in my sock drawer, I had refused to leave it behind. She wouldn't ever know about it though, the coincidence was too unrealistic.

 

“I need you to go inside Buck, people are staring” Steve's hand was gripping my arm, the plates shifted slowly.

“I can't go back to my room, I'll sleep in the common room” I pulled closer to him as he lead us back inside.

 

Y/N was standing with Tony, her eyes locking onto me as Steve stopped in the doorway. She frowned and turned away from us, her hands wrapping around her middle. Tony was glaring at me, no doubt because I scared our new guest. It's the only thing I knew how to do at this point.

 

“Barnes! You and I need to have a talk” Tony waved me over towards his office, asking Steve to show Y/N back to my room.

 

I groaned and went into the office, this wasn't going to end well for anyone, and I was already dreading whatever my punishment was going to be. Tony slammed the door the moment I stepped inside. Fear racing through my veins as I turned to face him.

 

“You had one job, and you managed to fuck that up” Tony's eyes were showing how furious he was, his jaw set tight.

“I panicked! You knew this wasn't going to be a good idea, why did you put her in my room anyway?” I scowled, crossing my arms over my chest.

“She knows you, she requested to be in there. And lookit what happened, you managed to push her so far away that she doesn't want to be around you anymore” Tony rolled his eyes, it suddenly hit me then.

“She knows me? How?” The only logical explanation was my past.

“James, she's-”  
  


The door was pushed open, Y/N's tear strained face staring at Tony and I. She was hurting, and it was all my damn fault.

 

“Buck, why wouldn't you tell me the truth?” Her voice was thick with tears.

“What do you mean?” I stepped over to her, my legs felt robotic.

“About who you used to be, what actually happened to you” Her hands were on my arm then, pulling the sleeve of my shirt up to get a look at the metal.

 

I wanted to pull away, to shove her as far away as I could. She shouldn't be around someone dangerous like me, I was a monster. A freak. So I did the next best thing, I pulled my arm from her grip and stormed out of the compound, ignoring Steve's pleas.

 

I didn't stop until I was at least ten miles away, the sky was almost black. Jesus, what was I really getting myself into? I wasn't ready for a life like this, there were too many things still wrong with me. Things I couldn't control about myself. And I was being put into a place where I could hurt everyone around me. It didn't matter how many super soldiers there were, things would always go wrong in the end. I'd still be walking on egg shells the next day, afraid I had hurt someone. The whispers were almost too soft for me to hear. _Almost._

 

“That's him, he's the winter soldier. Never thought I'd see him in public” A man had his arm wrapped tightly around the woman standing next to him. His face was pulled into one of disgust.

“He seems scarier in person, especially with the arm” The woman pressed tighter into the man's chest.

 

I spared a glance down at my arm and silently cursed, Y/N must've tore off the glove I wore to hide my hand. No wonder people were staring at me. I wasn't going to stand on a soap box and declare that I wasn't unstable, to confirm there feelings about me. What exactly was there to say anyway? 'Oh you don't need to worry, I won't try and murder any of you for the hell of it'. God, that sounded even worse in my head than I was hoping. Except that's exactly what I was. A killer.

 

The phone Steve had damn near begged me to carry around was vibrating in my back pocket, no doubt it was either him or Tony calling to ask where I had run off to. I pushed the thought from my mind and headed down to the pier, shoving my hands deep into my pockets. The less people saw of my arm, the better. No one wanted to see the Winter Soldier. My name was brandished the moment I stepped foot back in the states. And if I wasn't careful I would be thrown back into a cell.

 

“You make it a lot harder to find you when you turn your phone off” Y/N's voice was soft behind me, her footsteps falling in line with my own.

“I wanted to be left alone, I thought that much was obvious” I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, she was dressed more appropriately than I was at least.

“I wanted to apologize for how I acted back there, I was just a little upset is all” She shook her head and grabbed onto my shirt to slow me down.

 

I didn't stop until we were a safe distance away from prying eyes, and listening ears. Nothing worse than having gossip run rampant through the town.

 

“Why are you really here?” I looked down at her, taking her all in.

“You know why I'm here James, why did you hide for so long?” She kept her gaze on the ground, refusing to look up at me.

“The world didn't need someone like me in it, I'm a freak of nature for fuck's sake” I threw my hands up into the air, the moonlight glinting softly against the metal.

 

She didn't flinch, merely grabbed onto my arm gently. Her fingers grazed along the plates slowly, her eyes wide with curiosity. Her face was so close I could feel it ghosting along my arm. It was a strange feeling, something I hadn't felt for a while.

 

“That wasn't what I meant, why didn't you try to find me? Steve knew where I was” That caught my attention.

“What did you just say?” I tried to keep my tone even, the darkness was creeping up on me.

“James, did he not tell you?” Her voice was quiet as she held my arm tighter, the plates whined in protest.

“No, I thought I had lost you back during the war” My eyes burned with oncoming tears. This was my nightmare, she wasn't really here.

“I guess I can see why he kept you in the dark, you weren't yourself for a while” She smiled and laughed softly, her hand cupping my cheek gently.

“It's just been too long” I frowned and held my hand over hers, her skin was just as soft as I remembered.

 

She pressed her head against my chest and sighed, her arms slowly wrapping around my waist. I returned the gesture, leaving my left arm hanging uselessly by my side. She noticed the shift in the air, her arm grabbing onto my left arm and pulling it around her waist.

 

“Just because you used to be someone else, doesn't mean you're that person now” Her eyes were back on my face, struggling to read my expression.

“I'll never forget what I did to those people, it'll be forever ingrained into my memory. I just wanted to be normal for once” I smiled bitterly, the tears slowly slipping down my cheeks.

“You can have normal, just have to learn what it is for you” She gave me a knowing smirk.

“You'll have to show me what normal is” I smirked right back at her, pulling her tighter against my chest.

“Gladly” She giggled and pressed her lips against my cheek.

 

 __ **2 Years Later  
**   
“Never thought I'd see the day” Sam mumbled as he took a sip of his drink.

“No one did, but look how happy he is” Steve slapped a hand on his shoulder, a bright smile on his face.

“You think he'll ever let her out of his sight after today?” Sam gave a knowing smirk as Nat walked over.

“You guys know I can hear you right?” I laughed as Sam hid behind his drink. Steve snickered lowly under his breath.

“Stupid super soldiers” Sam walked over to the bar to no doubt talk with one of the single women there.

 

I shook my head and held Y/N closer to myself, Tony was trying to gather everyone's attention, and luckily he was able to on the first try.

 

“Everyone knows why we're here, the holy matrimony of Y/N and James over there” Tony smirked as I glared at him. He knew how much I hated when he used my name.

“But I wanted to say a few words myself. I've known both of these people for the last few years and let's face it, I was afraid something was going to blow up in my face like they usually do. Except with these two you could feel the love, tin man over there brightens up when she walks in the room” Everyone laughed at the nickname, and I tried with everything in me to suppress an eyeroll.

“There's no doubt in my mind that they were made for one another, and I just wanted to say that even with the bad memories between James and I, I'm happy for you. Cheers to the happy couple everyone” Tony raised his glass in a toast, my heart was hammering against my chest.

 

Everyone clapped and cheered for Y/N and I as we stood together, a bright smile on her face. She was going to be happy no matter the situation. Even if Tony made jokes at our expense, then again she would tend to throw them back in his face.

 

“So James, how does it feel to be married” She was smirking, a playful glint in her eyes.

“Well, it feels surreal. But I need to ask you something” It wasn't something that bothered me, more made me curious.

“Yes?” She sipped her glass of wine before setting it down on the table.

“Why do you call me James?” She blushed at that, she had always called me James or Buck, never Bucky.

“Your mom always called you James, I remember yelling at you during our first argument and saying James and you just froze, like you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar. I guess it's just my way of remembering who you once were” She looked up at me slowly, her eyes were now full of worry.

“Oh doll, I love you so much” I pressed my lips against hers softly, chuckling when she pulled away with a pout.

“You're not mad?” Her hands were gripping onto the coat of my tux.

“No, but I think tonight you should call me Bucky, just the way you used to” I whispered low enough that only she would hear me.

 

She shivered and pulled roughly on the jacket, her eyes darkening slightly. I could only smirk at her, we had a while before we could be alone without people making judgments. She was going to see how much I could tease when I wanted to.

 

“Mind if I take her for a dance?” Tony was standing in front of us, his arm held out for Y/N to take. I gently stepped away and let him lead her onto the dance floor.

 

She was laughing at the jokes Tony made, dancing effortlessly with the man. It gave me a sense of comfort, that even though I had a very red past, that things were moving forward.

 

“I can't remember the last time you were this happy. Your mom would've been proud Buck” Steve stood by my side, his shoulders held high as he watched her dance.

“She wanted me to marry her, said if I didn't then she'd make sure I spent my life alone” I chuckled and shook my head.

“That sounds like your mom, settle down and have a few kids, she'd of been so excited to have grandkids” The sadness pulled over me slowly, I wanted children, but the thought of raising them in the compound was a little off putting.

“She wouldn't let them come back home with us if that we're the case” I smiled and rested against the table next to me.

 

Steve was quiet for a few moments, watching as Sam asked Y/N to dance. As much as I wanted to go down and take my wife back into my arms, I knew it was better to let her enjoy the night. Her smile could light up the entire state of New York with how happy she looked.

 

“There's a wedding gift from all of us, there's going to be a car waiting for you at the end of the night” Steve said it so nonchalantly that I was worried, what kind of wedding gift would that be?

“Thank you in advance then” I nodded towards him as Y/N walked over, she looked almost dead on her feet now.

“Buck, can we leave now?” She whined, her head resting against my chest. I looked over at Steve who simply nodded.

“Yeah, we can leave doll” I held her tight, my nerves were suddenly on edge.

 

Saying goodbye to everyone took almost an hour, there were people I didn't recognize at all. Some I had barely caught a glance at before shit would hit the fan. And then lastly were all of our friends, each hugging just a little longer than the last one. They waved us off as the car drove down the road, the only light was the streetlights, Y/N was nearly asleep on my arm. The car was stopped outside a house, it was bigger than most of the houses on the street. The sudden realization hit me, they bought us a fucking house.

 

“Doll, we're home” Her eyes locked onto my face before looking at the house. Her jaw dropped open as she realized exactly what was going on.

 

The driver grabbed the bags, ensuring that everything we were going to need was already inside. I guess Tony worked faster than I had realized. The driver set the bags inside the door, leaving with a quick goodbye. I smirked and scooped Y/N up into my arms, holding her against my chest as I carried her across the threshold. We were finally feeling like a true married couple.

 

“Go get cleaned up babe, I'm sure your heads been hurting from all those bobby pins” I patted her ass gently, pushing her towards the stairs.

“Such a gentleman Mr. Barnes” She giggled and headed up the stairs, clutching her dress in her hands.

“Yes I am Mrs. Barnes” I smirked as I watched her walk up the wooden steps.

“I'll call you when I'm done, _Bucky”_ My chest tightened, god I loved this woman.

 

All I would hear for the rest of that glorious night was that woman begging, the only name slipping from her lips. Bucky.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! this is only going to be a single part just to let everyone know  
> comments and kudos are much appreciated!


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